2020: What a Year! How Did I Get Here?

Hey, y’all!

Grab a drink.

Find a seat.

&, sip on some of this pipin’ HOT tea.

[WARNING: Brace yourselves! There's a long post ahead!]

This year was supposed to be all about seeing clearly, right? I don’t know about you, but this year has done just that for me! In January, I expected that by December I would be singing a little bit of Jimmy Cliff, “I can see clearly now, the rain is gone”. At that time, I was unaware of what I would have to go through just to sing this tune.

...sorry, if you’re like me and this song is now stuck in your head! Girl, focus! Now, keep on reading! :)

In the first 2.5 months of the year, I was KILLIN’ IT! I was pretty impressed with how well I was holding it all together. One could barely tell how exhausted I was because I looked okay, despite practically living off of coffee, RaceTrac Pizza, Chick-fil-A, and 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I don’t know what I was thinking trying to balance: my full-time job as a Housing Professional, my final semester of graduate school (2 courses and two internships), being a family woman, and job searching. By always being on the go, I was becoming numb to the strains on my personal, mental, emotional, and social health. I found myself "letting go" and gaining back the 30 pounds that I was soooo happy to lose via breastfeeding. Just when I thought I was becoming a mastermind at juggling all of the things, a pandemic decided to impact life as we knew it.

I am ashamed to admit that I was one of the folx that was sure that we would be back to “normal” within a month. It's crazy to believe just how wrong I was. Each time it seemed like “normal” was around the corner, another curveball in this pandemic would come. I couldn’t understand why this cycle of never-ending thunderstorms would not STOP!

Now, I’m not only balancing all of the priorities from before, but I must learn how to entertain a toddler all day, EVERY DAY! Y’all, I still had A WHOLE JOB that was not slowing down anytime soon, AND I still needed to get this degree! Quickly, I came to my WITTS END! To make matters worse, my husband’s work schedule changed to nights...putting a serious strain on our marriage, friendship, and parental responsibilities. The relationship I had with DD (my son) was an unbreakable bond that seemed close to being breakable. I truly gained a WHOLE 17 levels of additional respect for stay at home toddler parents that remain sane! I just knew I wouldn’t make it out alive. I began thinking thoughts that I never envisioned thinking about myself, my child, and my marriage. I questioned God and His promises over my family and my life. I questioned my purpose here on earth.

I masked my pain and loneliness with endless coffee breaks, crying breaks in the shower, long drives around the city, and plenty of food that I could get my hands on. I became so miserable that I enjoyed taking my pain and frustrations out on my husband--though he truly didn’t deserve it. I saw endless visions of what life would be like without my husband in my life, if I were to just up and leave them both, or if I ended the pain for us all.

You may ask: How could a God-fearing woman ever think those thoughts?

The answer is: loneliness, stagnancy, inactivity, doubt, the inability to forgive and let go, and an overwhelming amount of pain that had been suppressed for decades.

Without my consent, my priorities had shifted. I had invited Satan into my life via various forms due to my own ignorance. I didn’t guard my faith. I didn’t feed my soul. I had lost sight of myself, and most importantly, of God. I had forsaken God and felt that he had done the same to me.

But then...one day, I heard from him.

I honestly thought it was my mind trying to play tricks on me; so, I ignored it. I had a child to attempt to take care of, a job to do, and other things around the house that needed to be done. I did not have time for any of my own “mind games or tricks” to take me off of my focus.

Days later, while in the shower, I heard the voice again. I knew something was up because my husband was at work and I had put the baby down for a nap. In my brain, I thought: “why is maintenance here? I didn’t put in a request.” But, it wasn’t maintenance.

That night, after the baby and my husband were asleep, I heard the voice again. This time it wouldn’t stop pestering me until I paid attention. I grabbed my phone and began scrolling through apps. Somehow, I ended up on YouVersion’s Bible App. [To this day, I still don't know how I got there nor why I was looking at this app.]

Weeks went by before my heart began to feel heavy. I felt like I was missing something that I couldn’t describe nor put into words. While in the shower, again (this seems to be the place where God can get my undivided attention), God led me to think and reflect on his word. When hopping out the shower, I found myself flipping through an old bible that I received in high school. I scrolled through a text thread from a college friend of mine. He has sent a bible verse EVERY. SINGLE. DAY to our study group since we studied for our anthropology final together (yes, this has been going on for years & I look forward to his messages daily)!

While reading and reflecting on the messages and verses in the thread, I couldn’t help but begin crying and praying to God. I found myself thanking him for his faithfulness, as well as asking for him to make me whole again! While I didn’t feel whole in an instant, I knew that the journey ahead was going to require a quite bit of effort, if I was serious about it! One night while rocking my son to sleep, I found myself talking to God like he was one of my homegirls. I questioned about some of the words that had been spoken over my life throughout the years by prophets. I asked if the words were truly a part of His will to please send me confirmation on what to do next.

Little did I know that God had been making way for the next steps all along. For months, God had been providing me with opportunities to strengthen my bond with four amazing ladies through conversations and hangouts. It took me awhile; but, then it clicked...they were his next step.

God knew that I needed a familial group around me that could hold me accountable, encourage me in low times, give me a friendly competitive edge, and provide me with the support I needed to simply move forward in life and this journey.

At the end of May, I brought the idea of a bible study to these four ladies. To be honest, I felt an immediate reaction of rejection, doubt, and fear in the moment that I sent this message. WHY? Because this idea had been on my heart for years now. After watching my mother, I felt that I had been ingrained with some skills to fulfill this role; however, I could not help but run from the very thing that was calling me. When the ladies responded, I was blessed to have been met with love, willingness, and support. By June 1, we all committed ourselves to this newfound journey of faith. We began diving into the word, challenging our own thoughts and childhood teachings, and working to develop our own relationships with God through daily prayer.

A few months into this journey, I began to see an unexplainable change in us all.

For myself, I was more appreciative for the opportunity to bask in the moments of sunshine that life has to offer. I was grateful for yet another God-given chance. At this moment, I knew that God had not given up on me...He just needed for me to show Him that I am committed and ready to operate within His will and His timing.

At first, I believed this new chance was about being better for others--being a better mom, wife, friend, sister, daughter, balanced employee, and more. Soon, I realized it was about being better for myself first. Without being a better me, I could not fulfill all of the juggling roles nor operate within the will of God nor fulfill His purpose in my life.

If I can be honest with y'all real quick. This journey SUCKED! I truly felt some type of way about the obstacles that were put into my path. This journey cost me family members, friends, job opportunities, and more. It required me to put up some blinders so that I could simply “RUN MY RACE”. The blinders enabled me to focus on myself and my very small locus of control while embarking upon the journey of living out my life’s purpose. Almost 7 months in, I can definitely say that it is working for my good.

Y’all, I’m here to tell you that you didn’t just stumble across this read for no reason.

*inserts Deitrick Haddon*

If you didn’t get anything else from this blog today, I hope that you receive and learn the following:

1. GOD LOVES YOU! “For this is how God loved the world: He gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life (John 3:16).”

2. GOD IS FAITHFUL! “The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure (1 Corinthians 10:12-13, NLT).”

3. GOD IS ABLE! “May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God. (20) Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think (Ephesians 3: 19-20, NLT).”

4. GOD WILL NOT FORSAKE YOU! “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the Lord will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you. (Deuteronomy 31: 8, NLT).”

If you have read this post and are motivated to have a fresh start in your walk with God by diving into his word, consider joining my friends and I on a Bible Challenge. We will be reading the entire Bible in one year beginning January 1, 2021. (Yeah, you heard me...ONE YEAR!)

I believe in you! YOU CAN DO THIS!

If you are looking to engage with a supportive and accountable group, please reach out via IG or email (contact information below). Thank you for spending a little time with me today. I pray that you embrace your fresh start! It looks good on you!

With Love,

Jalesha

IG: @javaandteawithjtd

javaandteawithjtd@gmail.com